This is an attempt to put all my previous posts in context. Sometimes, it is easy to make a mistake of thinking that everyone should see where you are coming from and understand you - its common sense, right? But there are different ways in which events affect different people. Some people might change their complete outlook on life after that something that doesn't register as a blip on someone else's radar. I have always shied away from posting really personal stuff on this blog, but this time I need to - not to win arguments, but just so people understand why I might seem so radically pro-American than most.
I came here in '96, after promising my parents that I will never do so, because the love-of-my-life had come here a year before. I followed him here - at that time, I had no interest in anything American - I didn't even want to stay here too long. I wanted us to finish our Masters' and leave. but since then, I have slowly over the time gotten involved with this strange journey that is the "discovery of America" - not via MTV or Hollywood blockbusters or Santa Barbara on Star TV, but as being among the people who made up the country - all those different people, with different viewpoints, cultures - a country as rich in diversity as I had failed to realize from afar. I admit I got sucked in. It is hard not to - traveling on the grayhound, I met an old man, to whom I had to explain my father drove a car to work everyday, not an elephant. I wasn't offended by the questions, since behind the question I saw a curiosity, a need to know me better. In school, I met a black guy who wanted to know if he could find a suitable Indian girl he could marry and get paid for it (dowry). Then there was this supervisor of mine, who made me organize a celebration of "Holi" in her house, in which her 8-year-old daughter and her friends eagerly participated. They loved it (Blake, sorry turmeric doesn't come off of clothes).
The best part of it was, I never felt different from the other people around me.I felt genuinely accepted by the people around me. I felt this incredible neighborly quality in the people, that being a naturally talkative person, I couldn't help striking conversations with strangers and ending up making friends. It was like one of the things my husband told me when I first came here - he said, "The strange thing is, if you catch someone's eye while you are walking on the road, they will always smile at you". It might seem a normal thing to everybody else, but to a foreigner, it goes a long way to make this country seem like home. So here I was, loved the people, but didn't care much about politics, till the Clinton thing happened. Frankly, I was sick of it - I was sick of the coverage - I was sick of the lying. As a woman who would leave her husband in a heartbeat if he cheated on her, I find Hillary Clinton despicable. The was the reason why, I was glad Gore lost - I didn't care much beyond that.
So, the economy started tanking, and I got laid off, and then I found another job, and on the day I closed on my new house, my current company lost its best and only customer, Nokia, because of the enormous losses it posted. So, 50% of the company got laid off, but I was still there and work was slow, so I thought I would go to work a little late. It was a tuesday in September. I had a leisuly bath, put my dogs in their crates and got dressed and left to work, around 10:00 in the morning. I turned on the radio to my favorite station, but they were talking about something really grim - I didn't understand. Then my husband called me on my cell phone - turns out he has been trying to reach me for an hour now - I didn't hear the cell phone, since I was in the shower. Then he tells me - "Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center!" - "what?" - "yeah, two planes crashed into the twin towers and all the people are expected to be dead".
I was numb and dazed by the time I walked into work. My bestfriend at work was sitting out in the lobby waiting for me - he was close to tears when he ran to me and hugged me asking why was I so late, since he desperately needed someone to talk to. He was not the first grown man I saw crying on the day and the days following. I cried - I cried so much that my husband made me switch the TV off. I called home and my parents were still sitting in front of the TV, crying. It was awful! I was numb, depressed, sad and I still cannot express what I felt. I felt like someone struck at MY country - I mourned with America as one of them - not an onlooker. I planted two stick-paper American flags in my front yard. The next day by the time I was back from work, someone had broken the flags off. I could have given up and said, "these darn racists!", instead, I planted another flag. All the people at work were consoling ME because of this, instead of me consoling them for the tragedy that had befallen their country. That, to me was the true American spirit. In spite of my not being an American by status, emotionally and intellectually, I had already become an American. For being an American to me is not the color of your skin or your country of origin - being American is a state of mind. It is an attitude that embodies many contradictions and debates, but also stands as one to defend the freedom that allows these differences in the first place. That is why, I love America!
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I want to say upfront that my intention is not hurt anyone’s sensbilities esp. Shanti. However I am going to be a little blunt here.
Not to sound callous or unfeeling or something like that but I fail to see the point of the post. Not the post itself but whatever you are trying to say through that. Why do everyone feel the need to postulate some kind of defensive justification for their pro-American tilt by always citing 9/11? For those who think I can’t relate, I was right under WTC just walking out of the revolving door when the first plane hit. You support the war against terrorism, then you made your point. Fine. I don’t see a need to wax eloquent about how being in America makes you proud et al. I personally don’t care one way or another but I suspect that whenever a post like this comes out some are enraged that how much of a mindset change people are willing to make to adjust themseleves just because they have the potential to get the kind of lifestyle they always dreamed of in USA than trying to do your part to make India a better country.
Posted by: Dilip at September 11, 2003 09:20 AM
Well, all I have to say if it was not for a woman from the same country as Shanti, I would be permanently blind in one eye. I guess you have forgotten what is on the Statue of Liberty. I will remind you here.
“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she With silent lips.
“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” “
My family has been in the United States since the early 1600’s. There are many many Americans I would love to see out of this country and see more people like Shanti who appreciate what this country is all about and what we were founded on. You know maybe 9/11 opened up to foreigners who have recently moved to our country, what America is truly about. We go about our normal lives. We take for granted what most people in the world will never experience. 9/11 brought people and states and cities together again. 9/11 brought America together. 9/11 showed the world that when there are times of trouble, we pull together and set aside our differences.
I am proud to be an American. I am proud of my country. My family, at one time, immigrated to America for a better life too.
Posted by: Jan at September 11, 2003 01:41 PM
Thanks, Jan - that was lovely and very moving.
Posted by: Shanti at September 11, 2003 03:15 PM
Shanti - I couldn’t agree with you more. America, for me, has rapidly and somewhat surreptitiously transformed from the place I just came to for grad school, to home.
Dilip - you’re saying that you resent the idea of “selling out” to a comfortable lifestyle over here. But what exactly is wrong with that? People will always want to live and work where they are appreciated and have the chance to achieve their best. The “change in mindset” you refer to is not at overnight thing - it happens over a period of time when you realise how things really are better over here.
One compelling example (that most seem to have forgotten by now): the speed and efficacy with which the authorities quelled hate crimes against Muslims immediately after 9-11. Unfortunately, a few people were killed, but it was still nipped at the bud - and fast. Compare this with the widespread slaughter of Sikhs - in broad daylight - that took place in Delhi after Indira Gandhi’s assasination (I’m a Delhi-ite and I saw it).
Like Reagan said, America is humanity’s best, last hope.
Posted by: Vivek at September 12, 2003 02:22 AM
Good points, Vivek - I agree the transformation is slow, but steady and relentless, till you know you are not going to fit in anywhere but here.
Posted by: Shanti at September 12, 2003 06:54 AM
I came to the US in the summer of 94 as a new bride with a moderate amount of knowledge about the country and its culture. I was raised in Hyderabad and was surrounded by people who tended to be quite traditional in their thinking. Arranged marriages, dowry, treating the in-laws with a lot of respect, the little gifts that have to be given for certain occasions etc.. all in the name of tradition. These are also followed by nuances such as what a daughter in-law can and cannot do in a joint family where you live with your in-laws.
I don’t know if I am a freak or if everybody else were super adjusting people but there were somethings I could not swallow. I felt like my independence was being curbed. I was constantly being told what, how and when I should talk with people(relatives of both sides.) My in laws would be insistent on the dishes that my husband likes. What about my likes and dislikes ? The petty quarrels and jealousies. I am not suggesting that these don’t exist here but the woman always takes the brunt in India.
How many men do we know who would do their share of work in the houesehold? Among my relatives in India there isn’t one male who can cook or clean or do anything related to the house. Its invariably a woman thing. Why can’t a woman dress as she likes? In summer it gets so hot that technically speaking women should be wearing shorts and light clothing. How often do u see the common woman in India doing that? Sometimes I feel tradition is like a guillotine around my neck.
Here I am far away from all of it. The sheer independence that this country allows you is enough for me to fall in love with it. I love India and will continue to do so but I can certainly do without its attitude towards women. When I sit back and think what it is that I dislike the most, one aspect uppermost in my mind is Dowry. India has taken giant strides in most fields, whether it is science or technology. Why is it so difficult for its people to break away from some of its harmful demeaning traditions? I’ve come across a lot of people who would convince me till hell freezes over that equality among the sexes is very much present in India. Then why do we still have dowry? Is it not a contradiction ?
I can go on for ever pointing out all the hypocracies and dual standards of our society but that is not what we’re doing here. We would like show our appreciation to the american society which welcomes all kinds of people irrespective of color,creed or country. The amount of tolerance exhibited by people of this country cannot be found anywhere. God Bless America.
Posted by: Sandhya at September 12, 2003 03:08 PM
Sandhya, it is pretty interesting that you touchon one topic that is pretty close to my heart too, which is individual freedom. In my 23 years in India, I don’t remember a single time when I traveled in the city bus without being groped at. Then the eve-teasers - then the “uncles” and “aunties”, who all know what is best for a women - the double standard in the way women and men are treated.
I keep telling my husband that his life will be pretty much the same regardless of whether he lives here or in India - it is my life which will be drastically different, as I need to start conforming to the society again and live the way others want me to live.
Posted by: Shanti at September 12, 2003 03:39 PM
>>India has taken giant strides in most fields, whether it is science or technology. Why is it so difficult for its people to break away from some of its harmful demeaning traditions?
would like to get that answer from you. Why don’t you exercise your independence provided by the Indian constitution in India? Why do you change only in US? Isn’t that called hypocrisy?
>>Then why do we still have dowry?
would like to ask all the women folks in India. Dowry is unlawful in India…Can’t a woman say NO to Dowry?? How many have said NO for themselves or protested when their brothers or friends were demanding dowry? Raise your hands….
And the last question.
Who constitutes the Indian society? Are you part of it? How does a society change?
Instead of paying tributes to the dead of 9/11, we end up bashing and comparing with another country…….This isn’t the right way to pay a tribute….At least, in my opinion…
Let’s stop blaming others…..
Posted by: P@L at September 12, 2003 03:53 PM
P@L, no one “changes” for the US - in the US the people are already changed enough that it has changed.
Posted by: Shanti at September 12, 2003 04:44 PM
My idea of change here is different. Why can’t a person from India behave the same way irrespective of the country he/she is in. Why should one conform when back in India if he/she feels something is wrong? By doing that, aren’t you implicitly opposing the same transformation of the society which you expect? If you as a learned individual with considerable financial and mental independence bow down, how can we expect those women, who largely depend on their parents and spouses, to protest or change the existing norm? But still there are some who do and those are “real” people…..
Posted by: P@L at September 13, 2003 03:13 AM
P@L, it isn’t for the women to say that - we would love to behave the same way here and in India - it is the men who refuse to let us do so. I go to a pool here and wear a swimsuit - if I did the same back in India, there will 10 lecherous people leering at me, making me feel uncomfortable.
Posted by: Shanti at September 13, 2003 08:44 AM
Yes, you are right.That may happen perhaps because you deviate from the normal today and are in minority….However, if you continue and as more and more women join you(since they see women already doing so) in the pool,I believe, it will no longer be the case…Instead, if you stop swimming and blame men, you can’t expect the situation to change anytime soon unless someone else takes the first dip….Let’s say, if every woman thinks the same way as you think, noone would take that first dip and hence no change….Guess that’s what happens in any other issue….
Posted by: P@L at September 13, 2003 11:42 AM
Yes, P@L - sure, I would love to pave the way for all other women - but I am going to end up jeopardizing my place in the society to do so. My parents, relatives and friends will not accept me doing things that aren’t “done” by women. It is really easy to say someone has to pick up and lead, but not everyone is born to lead. Most of the time, it is pragmatic to take the easy way out and let someone else take the burden - it is just human.
Posted by: Shanti at September 13, 2003 11:47 AM
Fair enough. You have also answered the following question asked by Sandhya…..
>>India has taken giant strides in most fields, whether it is science or technology. Why is it so difficult for its people to break away from some of its harmful demeaning traditions?
It’s a stalemate…So I suggest we stop blaming the society and accept that we are all human and in someway or other contributing to the predicament…..
Posted by: P@L at September 13, 2003 03:49 PM
>>would like to ask all the women folks in India. Dowry is unlawful in India…Can’t a woman say NO to Dowry?? How many have said NO for themselves or protested when their brothers or friends were demanding dowry? Raise your hands….
Why? Are all the men folks in India dead ?!
Why can’t the men say NO to Dowry? There are a number of women saying no unfortunatley the numbers are low. So much so a couple of girls from Delhi made international news for protesting dowry recently.
I raise my hand high, my parents refused dowry for my brother.
How many male hands can rise for refusing dowry. Dowry is an issue that concerns both sexes. It is not a woman’s problem alone. The woman and her parents are victims. Why do u always expect the woman to react. Why don’t the men in India actively protest the tradition of Dowry?
>>would like to get that answer from you. Why don’t you exercise your independence provided by the Indian constitution in India? Why do you change only in US? Isn’t that called hypocrisy?
Norms of a society are not written down anywhere. They are abstract rules followed and practised by society. Changing them takes ages and the people who try to change them face nothing short of being ostracized by members of the society.
>>Instead of paying tributes to the dead of 9/11, we end up bashing and comparing with another country…….This isn’t the right way to pay a tribute….At least, in my opinion…
If you have read the beginning of this post you would have read Dilip’s comments about “selling out ” for a better life. The comments following it have given their own reasons as to why they hold 9/11 as a poignant memory in their hearts.
My response was on a similar vein from the angle of differences in society and why I appreciate them.
Posted by: Sandhya at September 15, 2003 10:41 AM
My thoughts on this matter:
In India ,we are too many Indians fighting for too few resources.Only the best can survive, so obviously we are always on the gaurd to protect what we have and to see who wants to get something from us.Its not the same abroad,there are enough resources and no one has to really fight for it.You just need to reach out and you’ll get it.People here have the time and resouces to be polite and friendly. I wonder if you would get the same response had you been in any shadier/less affluent parts of town.(abroad).
Please understand why Indians are different.Its very easy to turn our noses down, but understanding why most Indians react differently will spare us from further prejudice.
And just a thought…did the tragedies in India ever numb you?Did you spare those Indians a thought?
And I agree with you -Being American is state of mind.Its just that being Indian is no different.
Posted by: granny smith at February 27, 2004 08:35 AM
Granny Smith, I have lived for 22 years in India and still have family living there. I would never turn my nose down on Indians or India. It is obvious I like America a lot more than I like India now and that is just me. That is no way meant to imply that India is somehow worse than America. To me, America is just better, that’s all!
Posted by: Shanti at February 27, 2004 09:42 AM